Let’s Talk About Something Nice for a Change

I’m tired of talking about all of the gloom and doom. Injustice? Take a holiday. Equal Rights? Will you get off my back. I’m tired.

Instead, today, let’s talk about tolerance and acceptance. Those are such nice words, don’t you think? Acceptance, in my own personal dictionary, means that I have decided you are okay. You pass my personal muster. I have decided that who you are, how you behave and your choices shall be deigned acceptable in my realm. Aren’t I just the very picture of benevolence? And best of all, it’s optional! I can stop accepting as soon as things start to feel a little too close or icky.

Oh and tolerance, lovely tolerance! You are acceptance’s kissing cousin. I tolerate you! Yes, I stand by while you behave in the way I have graciously accepted (see above) and I allow your behavior to go on, even if I find it personally or morally objectionable. Yes, I have rearranged my thoughts just enough so that I can allow your existence to continue. That’s me, Captain Tolerance. My superpower is fueled by my smug delight in my own ability to abide. Why even the very concept of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ stands on a very tenuous base of tolerance.

You see, acceptance and tolerance are wonderful because they put me, the acceptor or the tolerator, in complete control of the situation. I get to define the parameters. If at any time, I should decide that I do not want to continue to bestow my lavish generosity upon you, all I have to do is stop. Do you often hear someone say they accept or tolerate unconditionally? I don’t actually think it’s possible, for acceptance and tolerance are both conditional by their very nature. They are based on the present moment, with an implied caveat that, if the parameters change, either can be revoked at will. This is what makes these two words so toxic – they lack any substantial meaning. Too often what is really being implied is, “I accept and tolerate your sexual preference, as long as you do not act upon it and as long as you do not want any rights like marriage or equal protection under the law,” or perhaps another implication, “We will accept and tolerate your behavior, and grant you certain rights, which may be terminated at whim, based on the ever-changing, highly malleable, set of standards set forth by our highest donor or governing board.”

In religious circles, I have heard some say that they accept a person’s sexual orientation or they tolerate homosexuality, and then say that they do so because we are all flawed and imperfect in some way and it’s not theirs to judge. The perimeter of acceptance is now clearly defined: you were born flawed and you can’t help it just like any other sinner. Well that doesn’t feel very tolerant to me. Condemning, yes. Tolerant, no. I’m not going to single out religion for being especially conditional in their acceptance, especially as I know so many very faithful people who lovingly affirm, embrace and celebrate all persons, regardless of their orientation. But, let’s face it, many have no problem using their religion (or even someone else’s) as a weapon when it comes to issues of equal rights for the glbtq community. When we live our lives openly and ask for only that which is fair, we cross the perimeter and we lose the fleeting imprimatur of acceptance that was once bestowed upon us. We are no longer tolerable.

Those really weren’t very nice words after all, were they?